Some friends and i wound up in Raleigh NC last week. Thanks to the new age of internet directions we made our way to within a 10 mile radius of our destination without incident. But like most trips undertaken with the aid of map-quest (or any of their competitors) that 10 mile radius was about all our instructions were really good for. So as we barreled down Capital Boulevard, missing our turns at near light speed, my co-pilot Rob yelling things like, "You need to turn…. BACK THERE!" a voice from the back seat said, "My stomach is gnawing on my spine." Punch that into babelfish and it will translated into English as, "I am hungry, you two morons are lost, stop this car or I will strangle one of you with your own seatbelt." The voice had emanated from Shelia, Rob's loving spouse. Rob sprang into action, "There is a Jersey Mike's subs, turn…. Right back there!"
i did what any rational man would do, i preceded to drive another eight blocks before turning around. Eventually i did manage to veer my vehicle one hundred and eighty degrees and head back towards the sub-shop in question. Another three wrong turns and, what was in my opinion a skillful if clumsily executed maneuver in a parking lot that had us sharing a lane with an oncoming car a'la London traffic pattern (read that as: me driving in the left hand lane), we made our way into the fine eatery known as Jersey Mikes
If there is one male stereo-type that i break on a regular basis it's that i am not afraid to ask for directions. But, alas none of the employees of Jersey Mikes had a clue how to tell us to reach our goal via the web of streets that are known as down-town Raleigh.
After completing my order for a fine sandwich with a surfeit of bovine flesh piled into the middle of a sub roll, i scanned the patrons. Nearby sat what appeared to be a friendly couple, I decided to take my chances with them. After explaining our dilemma; that we were from out of town, where we were headed and how hopeless it seemed that we would arrive there using only our own resources, i asked for directions. The gentlemen explained that he knew where we were headed but was unable to help us, he couldn't remember any of the street names. Then he began to gesticulate rapidly, his hands a blur of activity. He was relaying our plight to the lady at the table with him via signs. She was deaf. He asked me if i had something to write on; she was going to write out our directions for us. Snatching the semi-worthless internet spawned directions from Rob i flipped the paper over to it's blank side and slid it across the table to her. She scribbled out a series of street names, communicating details through her dinner-mate. As she passed the paper, once nearly valueless and now made precious by her efforts, back to me a feeling of gratitude filled my heart. i raised my hand towards my face and placing the fingertips of my open palm against my bottom lip pulled it down in an arc till my open hand was extended towards her, the sign for thank you, while simultaneously saying, "Thanks, so much."
But what happened in that instant was mind-boggling. i don't know much sign language, i can finger spell and say a few words, but I do know a little. Yet, at that moment, that instant, i was nearly overcome by doubt. "Am i saying what i think i'm saying?" Visions of crude hand gestures that are similar flooded through my mind... What if i only thought i was saying thank you? In the end i was able to conquer my doubt, well mostly – i actually asked a friend about it over the weekend, she's a little more fluent in ASL than i, she confirmed that i was indeed correct with my expression of indebtedness.
It's funny how doubt works. i could teach you all the signs in my repertoire and never wonder if they were correct. But when it comes time to put it to use, a feeling of incompetence rushes through my brain. It's easy to be confident when you are sitting on the couch. Like the guys who criticize their favorite athletes performance, "Why did he make that throw, didn't he see that coverage?", "OH I would've passed on the outside, he had a shot at that.", "Why didn't he take the shot? It was wide open!" You put those guys on the field, the track, the court and see if they sill "Know" exactly what to do then.
But doubt is something that we all have to face. Doubt keeps some people from ever really living, they doubt they can do it, so they do nothing. There is a powerful quote about courage that is probably applicable to dealing with doubt, it has several variants and in it's many forms it is cited to several famous men, from Mark Twain to Nelson Mandela. But my favorite version comes from a man named James Neil Hollingworth, a man who was described as being a beatnick and a hippie. A mysterious man; the Wikipedia entry on him being a prodigious 27 words (29 if you consider "1933-1996" as two words). He often wrote under the pseudonym Ambrose Redmoon and as Mr. Redmoon he is cited as saying this: "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
Action breeds doubt, doubt leads to fear, fear leads to the dark side… ok, not really the dark side but Yoda was onto something there in the swamps of Degobah. As a person of faith i have seen so many people do nothing for fear they would be doing the wrong thing. They sit motionless waiting for the heavens to open and a booming voice to spew forth giving them a personal imperative for life and living. Often in Christianity we idolize people who seem to have those experiences: Paul, for example. He was struck blind while on his way to throw some Christians in jail and became a Christian himself, we love that kind of encounter. But he was also the same guy headed into Bithynia and he got the brakes put on him (Acts 16:7). He was just doing SOMETHING for God, and God kept him from doing the wrong thing.
Ultimately doubt is a beautiful thing. It causes us to wrestle with things. Makes us dig for answers on our own instead of getting them spoon fed to us. Motivates us. Give me 10 people who wrestle with doubt over 100 who "have it all figured out". For those of you out there who struggle with doubt, you are not alone. The Bible is filled with people who had the same battle. God is not intimidated by your doubt, but some people are.
1 John 4:18 God's Word:"No fear exists where his love is. Rather, perfect love gets rid of fear, because fear involves punishment. The person who lives in fear doesn't have perfect love."
